Developing identities

Did you keep a journal or diary as a child? Have you ever read what you wrote years down the track and been surprised or even shocked by your own naivety and cluelessness? I know I certainly have. Back when I was a teen and young adult, when my life was topsy turvy and ever changing, I occasionally wrote my thoughts down, much like I am right now. No blogs of course, because there were no blogs back then, but there were still plenty of ways to jot your thoughts down.

People grow through a process of negotiation. Even straight teenagers spend years pushing boundaries, finding out where they can and can't go. Exploring.

Same for transsexual teens. But different. Because trans teens get to hear the word "no" so much more often than cissexual teens. If you don't know WTF I'm talking about when I say cissexual, then I recommend you go read "Whipping Girl", by Julia Serano, possibly the smartest transsexual person I've ever come across. But I digress. Looking back now at the stuff I wrote all those years ago, I'm more than a little dismayed. Where now I feel my identity is and always has been rock solid, back then it wasn't always so. More than that, the language has changed as well.

So in one entry I might write that I wish I was a girl. In another I wonder if I'm gay. The word "tranny" comes up, too, a word that these days has really offensive connotations, but clearly didn't for me in the eighties, as is obvious from the context. Declarations of a female identity are much more sparse than I remember.

These days I've had many, many years of socialisation as an adult woman reinforcing my female gender identity. Then it wasn't the case, so my language, even in private, is a whole lot less sure. More pleading. Desperate even.

The internet is a boon for trans people. It gives us a place where we can interact with other like minded people, where we can forge weird dysfunctional communities which we can draw support from. But I fear that the permanence of what we write here is not good. I wonder where my own identity would be these days if I was constantly reminded of the things I'd written at a point where I just had no idea. Where's the encouragement for evolution of thought, for growth.

I remember being disgusted by Trudy Kennedy, the psychologist who ran the Monash gender clinic back in the nineties, when she told me that I should do my best to avoid other trans people. These days I look back at that statement and see a different side. A side that allows for growth beyond a trans identity.

Anyway, another celebrity has announced that they're transitioning. The media coverage is comprehensive and makes me want to throw things, because they're trotting out the same gumph that they always have, and the discourse, which I felt had been making a little progress, has taken a whole lot of steps backwards.

The media will pay attention for as long as there's drama. Then they'll lose interest. So the world will get another dose of the pathetic clueless trans person, and have their prejudices reinforced. Again.

My Seventh Birthday

There's been a lot of talk of late about reparative therapy, in the wake of Leelah Alhorn's suicide.

I thought it might be good to add my own voice to the chorus of people speaking out against reparative therapy.

So for me the whole thing starts when I was six years old. That wasn't when my gender identity formed - it was simply when it got the point where my parents sought professional "help" about it.

As a pre-schooler I was unashamedly feminine. I played with dolls whenever I could get my hands on them. My world was one of make believe and stories. When we did dress-ups in kindergarten I made a beeline for the fairy princess outfit. I was often in trouble with my parents (mum mainly - dad coped by staying at work), but it was generally reasonably benign.

By six year's age though, things were getting a touch more serious. My femininity, which until then could be written off as cute, was now starting to get embarrassing for my parents. I was doing it in public and that just wasn't on.

Interestingly enough, I don't think the concept of me being transsexual crossed my parent's minds. They were scared I might turn out gay. So they got me a referral to a pediatric psychologist, and along we went.

The psychologist was nice enough. I had no idea at all why we were there and wasn't at all phased. I remember playing while he watched and asked questions about what I was doing. Then I got to sit in the waiting room for ages while he talked to mum. It was mum's manner when she came out that makes me remember the day. She was clearly angry and determined, with a real set to her features, and she wasn't in a mood to talk.

My relationship with my mum until then, despite being yelled at with some regularity about different things, was pretty good. I'm the youngest of four, and had mum all to myself for a couple of years when my next eldest brother went off to school. During that time we did lots of things together. Shopping, housework, playing. All good stuff. I remember we'd go to a big department store in the city every couple of weeks and I'd get a bucket of chips and a multi-coloured jelly in a cup for lunch. Good times.

The good times pretty-much ended on that day. As an adult, having read widely, I can fairly accurately surmise exactly what was said to mum in the psychologist's office that made her so angry. Gender identity was a sexy, new, exciting branch of psychology back in the seventies. One of the pioneers in the field was John Money, who quite literally wrote the book on trans and gay kids.

Money's thesis was that "gender role" (what these days we'd call gender identity) is primarily influenced by nurture, and that gender role may be shaped accordingly. Much of his research was done on David Reimer, a cisgendered boy who suffered severe burning to his penis as an infant during a botched circumcision. When approached by David's parents, Money told them to raise David as a girl. That David utterly rejected this was glossed over in Money's research.

In any case, the "cause" for trans and gay kids was over-attachment to their mother. My mum had been lectured by the psych, telling her that everything was essentially her fault, and that the only way she could "save" me from being gay was to consistently and systematically come down hard on any "effeminate" behaviour.

Starting that day, my relationship with my mum changed dramatically. Where previously we'd gotten along well, now she was deliberately cold and distant. The idea was that feminine behaviour would be punished by withholding affection, and masculine behaviour would be rewarded by providing affection. I never really got past the withholding affection bit though. My dad was as distant as ever, so I was basically alone. My siblings cottoned on to the new way of things, so like some perverse experiment I was rejected by the whole family.

My reaction to this is much what any six year old would do. I hid my femininity and tried desperately to get affection, by being a right brat, which really only made things worse. The new relationship (or lack of) was spelled out pretty well for me on my seventh birthday. My parents had gotten so good at ignoring me that they forgot my birthday all together. Oh well.

The results of this are stark. My gender identity hasn't changed one whit. What has changed though are my attitudes. I have no respect for authority. I have no love for my parents and siblings. I am very stubborn and self-dependant. I do not ask for nor expect help, ever. I'm very cynical.

What have my parents gotten from this? Nothing.

So if you're a parent of a potentially trans or gay kid and you're reading this, ask yourself this: What are you trying to achieve? Do you really want a broken family and to be told by your child to go fuck yourself at the very first opportunity? Or do you want to be a part of a family that's nurturing and accepting and loving?

Your choice.

The incredible irony of the successful trans woman - how age of transition affects your perspective.

Today I read a piece about Catherine McGregor in the Guardian. Cate is, by all accounts, a stupendously successful trans woman. She's a recipient of the Order of Australia, Group Captain in the Royal Australian Air-Force. While working for the Australian Army she was director of the Land Warfare Studies Centre, and since then has been strategic advisor and speech writer for the chief of the Australian Defence Services.

Cate rubs shoulders with politicians, industry heads and other assorted bigwigs. She's done numerous television and radio interviews, written a book on cricket, and she's responsible for the famous "the standard you walk past is the standard you accept" speech by Chief of the Australian Army David Morrison on sexism within the forces.

Wow. such great stuff. She's clearly an amazing woman and a role model for trans people everywhere.

One could be forgiven for reading this stuff and concluding that life is indeed roses for trans people. I mean if a trans woman can make it to the upper echelons of the ADF, things can't be that bad...

Except. Cate transitioned in 2013, at the age of 55. Cate made it to director of the Land Warfare Studies Centre pre-transition. She was awarded the Order of Australia pre-transition. She did, well, most everything, pre-transition. Since transition she's mainly been notable as being Australia's highest ranking trans person. Her role has changed dramatically to a PR one.

So yes, she's successful, indeed incredibly successful. But only because she hid her transsexuality. She's successful in spite of her transsexuality.

Many years ago, I read a throw-away line from someone on an internet forum: "Early transitioners face discrimination before transition, and assimilate afterwards. It's the opposite for late transitioners." This rang really true for me. As a child, and most especially as a teen, I really copped it from all angles because of my complete inability to hide my gender identity. My parents, classmates, teachers... It reached something of a crescendo around transition, where I spent a year or so being visibly trans, then faded away as I assimilated. I think the converse happens for people who are able to cope as teens. They get by, are even stratospherically successful like Cate. But the consequences of this success are that they'll have much more difficulty assimilating post-transition. They'll often be visibly trans the rest of their lives, or simply have so much baggage from before transition that they can't get past.

These days, it's the late transitioners that get all the attention. You could be forgiven for thinking that trans people were one big awkward monolithic group. Of course that's not my experience. From where I sit we all come at this from very different directions, with different goals, different assets, different liabilities, and different outcomes. It's just that this one group, through a combination of weight of numbers, visibility, continuing angst, money, and relative privilege, get all the airplay and dominate the discourse.

I subscribed to a new internet TV streaming service recently, because they had a series that I'd been hearing about all over the place, Transparent. It's the story of a 64 year old transitioner, and the struggles both she and her family face as she goes into the world as a woman. Heartwarming stuff, I'm sure, but where I was looking for kinship I found nothing.

Of course my perspective comes not just from transitioning in my twenties. I carry an enormous chip on my shoulder as a member of generation X as well. I don't have a lot of respect for the boomers, a generation that I feel has had everything handed to them on a plate. Cheap housing, free university education, medicare, you name it. I'm from a generation that's had to fight (and pay) for the scraps. Doubly so when you're young and trans.

The perspective from the other side of the fence though appears to be very different. Where I see two very different groups, late transitioners speak of "spectrums". They see us as all the same, with the same needs and the same challenges.

The modern language bears this out, most specifically the rise of the word "transgender" over the last twenty years or so. When I was young, there were fairly distinct groups of people, and the divisions between who was what were based almost entirely on self identification. Transsexuals had a specific grouping, with our unhealthy dependence on the medical industry. Cross dressers had very different needs, and only occasionally crossed the fence and realised they were transsexual. Drag queens were a whole other animal. Likeable but very much gay guys. Nobody had ever heard of transgender.

Then along comes this new word, which the bureaucrats and doctors love, because it makes it possible to lump all the freaks into one easy subset, and suddenly my GP is calling me "transgendered". This is not a word I've ever used to describe myself. Late transitioners though appear to have latched on hard to this new word. I guess it gives them a means to reconcile their crossdressing past with their transsexual future. It breaks the rigidity of transsexual and allows for quite a lot of slipperiness.

I wouldn't be so annoyed except that there's now a concerted effort to erase the word transsexual from the vocabulary. Again, the late transitioners are sucking all the air from the room. We're told, somewhat ironically, that transsexual is pathologising, that it's vocabulary that's been pushed onto transsexual people by the medical community. From where I sit, that's exactly the case for transgender.

I guess for me, the key distinction is on how you identify. If your core gender identity is female (for someone assigned male at birth), well then you're transsexual. If it isn't, you're not. It doesn't matter what surgeries you have or haven't had, what shape your genitals are, or what sex those you love are. What matters is simply how you identify, honestly, deep down inside.

As for Cate, I admit I'm a little jealous of her success. But then I'm sad for her, too, for her missed opportunities. I'm sad she had to lie to everyone for so very long.

Things that Really Matter - Hair

I'm like Samson. I derive all my power from my hair. I'm really blessed in having quite an awesome, unmanageable, thick mane. Rich and dark and just wavy enough to occasionally drive me nuts.

But it's mine. It's my most treasured thing. I don't joke.

When I was a small child in the seventies, hair was the strongest gender marker I knew of. Little kids are essentially sexless until puberty hits, so the instant marker of boy or girl was length of hair. Girls had long hair, boys short.

Many of my early battles with my parents were over my hair. We disagreed vocally over how long it was, and how long it should be. The battle would invariably end with me at the barber, sitting silently crying while the poor hairdresser inflicted the damage, my mum standing over them scowling to make sure they did as they were told. Short back and sides. Ouch.

As a little kid when I played with the girl next door, I'd often nick a tea-towel and tie it around my head. When challenged by my mum, I learned quickly to tell her I was pretending to be an Arab, or else to pull it off when she came in the room. But of course in the make believe that we were weaving, playing tea parties with her dolls and my bears (I wasn't allowed dolls) we were mums, or princesses, or movie stars, and my tea towel was my wonderful Farrah Fawcett long hair.

Later on my hair (I guess in conjunction with my general femininity) would get me in trouble at school, too. Not straight away. Kids aren't inherently cruel. They take time to learn bigotry from their parents. But by age 12 or so, my hair was weaponised. In the Australian suburban schoolyard, it marked me as a "poof". I stopped, for a few years, complaining so much when I was told to get my hair cut.

So fast forward another couple of years and hair started becoming my nightmare. Not the hair on my head, but everywhere else. I started getting hair on my legs, my arms, my face. I despaired. Puberty can be a tough time for many kids. When you're trans though, it's like your whole body is out to get you.

If I ever meet the person who invented laser epilation, I'm going to kiss them. They are my greatest hero. I was incredibly lucky transitioning in a time when laser hair removal was just getting started. I went to town. My face, underarms, bikini line and legs all got a thorough zapping. It was an amazingly painful process that kept me in abject poverty for a good few years, but so amazingly worth it.

As for the hair on my head, pretty-much as soon as I got out of my parent's house I started to grow it out. I spent most of my twenties with a Betty Page do. Severe fringe, thick and black. Or red, when I had money for dye.

Now I'm in my forties, I'm seeing my peers, one after another, cutting their hair. I'm going grey, but I fully intend on rocking that and being the crazy old lady with the stupidly long hair. After all, it's where I derive all my power.

On disclosure

I recently read a surprisingly hateful opinion piece on "stealth" transsexuals, written by someone who I'd have thought should know better, Dallas Denny.

The intended audience for the piece is clear from the surrounding advertisements for breast forms. I'm not thinking transsexual women are her audience, let alone transsexual women who choose not to disclose their past.

Following links, I see there's a whole collection of articles at the Transadvocate site:

• Stealth Doesn't Help the Trans Community
• The Many Shades of Stealth
• A Rant About MtF Stealth

And I go on. For the uninitiated, stealth is a trans community term to refer to moving on after transition and deliberately distancing yourself from your past, of refusing to disclose the intimate details of your history with colleagues and friends, and even occasionally lovers. It's somewhat analogous to being in the closet for a gay or lesbian person, but comes after being out through transition, and has its own unique set of challenges and benefits depending on the individual.

Dallas' thesis, along with the other attacks, appears to be broken down into several (well worn) parts:

• That stealth is inauthentic.
• That living a stealth life is inherently selfish.
• That stealth destroys trust.
• That all stealthy trans women must be "hyper vigilant" lest their "secret" be revealed.

I'm calling bullshit.

I mean really guys, picking on stealth trans women? You go! It's the one demographic that probably won't read your piece, and even if they do won't be in a position to reply, let alone organise.

Much like kicking a puppy. It's easy, the puppy is unlikely to bite back, but is it a good thing to do?

Let's work through each of the four arguments:

Stealth is inauthentic.

As always, each of us is able to speak only to his or her own experiences. We filter those experiences through our own sense of identity. My identity (and the reason that I strongly prefer the term transsexual - meaning someone who identifies as the sex opposite that which they were assigned at birth - to transgender - someone who transgresses social gender norms) is strongly female. At the same time, I'm not delusional. I know that I was born with male genitalia and was assigned male, and that I most likely (though I haven't checked, have you?) have XY chromosomes.

But I'm talking identity. My gender identity is female. It's not trans.

Just roll that sentence around a little. Go back over it, read it again. I identify as female. That's why I'm transsexual, because I was assigned male at birth but identify as female.

So, given that, according to my little head, I'm female, where's the authenticity in telling people I'm not? How exactly does that work? How does that help my sense of worth, of authenticity?

I suspect that Dallas is making the same mistake that we all make, of gendering others based on our preconceived notions of gender. She sees trans woman and fixates on the trans part. For her that's the important stuff. After all, it appears to be a really big part of her life. Just a teeny, tiny pity that it completely invalidates so many other people's identities and lived experiences.

Onto the selfish part.

I make contributions to society. I have a pretty rewarding professional career. I pay my taxes. I mentor young professional women in my organisation and am active in my workplace diversity committee. I'm active in my local small town community, and get along quite well, thank you very much. I'm socially progressive and see myself as a strong ally for LGBT people.

Now for some speculation. If I disclosed my transsexual history to my colleagues I very-much doubt I'd be in the position I'm in. I transitioned in my early twenties, before starting my career. I don't have the decades of male privilege that so many of the holier-than-thou late transitioners carry to get them to their successful places.

I know how my workmates and friends view LGBT people. They're not actively nasty, but their idea of trans people isn't that far past Priscilla. I'm absolutely certain that if I'd been open to all and sundry and confessed my transsexuality throughout my career, I, well, wouldn't have a career. I'd never have gotten the job in the first place. I'd be living in a trans ghetto somewhere on the dole, or working a menial job and fearing the sack.

Ironically, one of the things that would make it hard for me to maintain a decent job is my own dysphoria. Back when I was a child and teen, being continually misgendered really did my head in. It made it incredibly difficult to function. Think drug and alcohol abuse. Suicide attempts. Ungood stuff. Living authentically (by not disclosing) has allowed me to really blossom.

Frankly, I'm successful because I don't disclose.

Destroying trust

The trust one is an interesting thought. I confess to not really understanding what Dallas is getting at. I suppose if one comes at the whole thing from the position that transsexual women aren't "really" women, then claiming oneself is female does indeed destroy trust. Gets us back to the authenticity argument. I feel I'm living authentically by not disclosing. My perception of gender might be different to yours. I'm afraid you're going to have to deal with it.

There's really only one person in my life who deserves to know my past, and that's my husband. For our relationship it's important. He knows why I can't have (more) kids, and he's okay with that. For everyone else, what has or hasn't been between my legs is none of their business.

Hyper Vigilance

So the last bit of Dallas' thesis is the hyper vigilance one. The "they're going to find out eventually, might as well out myself straight away" bit.

A lot of people view the sexes almost as different species. The whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing. I see these attitudes professionally. "Such and such can't be good at math, she's a girl!" It's the foundation upon which a whole lot of misogyny is based.

In truth, there's not a hell of a lot of physical difference between men and women. Men on average are taller. Men on average are heavier built, and often have bigger feet and hands. Women are in general less hairy, shorter. Men most always have penises. Women most always have vaginas and breasts.

Everybody has nipples, though.

Sex differentiation in humans happens both in the womb, where the genitals and reproductive system form, and from puberty, where secondary sex characteristics (breasts, voice, body hair, musculature, height) develop. The puberty process isn't a sudden switch though. It happens gradually, over more than a decade.

I transitioned in the stone ages. The very early nineties. I went through the rather infamous Monash Gender Clinic, in Melbourne. At the time many transsexual people (myself included) got going in their transitions fairly promptly, or else were shown the door by the clinics. I personally got onto a program at about 22 years of age. I'd been doing illicit hormones of one form or another for about 18 months before I got the courage up to talk to a doctor.

In any case, when you transition in your teens or early twenties, unless you're really unlucky, you're not going to be strongly sexed one way or another. So it's easier.

In my own case transition was tumultuous. They usually were back then. I lost my job not long after and decided to go back to uni. The university was in another state, so I packed my bags and made a fresh start. By that point I was happily out of the clockable phase. No one asked. I never told. I got my birth certificate changed as soon as I was legally able and the old one is sealed. The way the program worked at Monash you never really met other transsexual people. I had a few friends, but aside from the trans thing we didn't really have anything in common and went our separate ways.

Fifteen years ago, when I was in my late twenties, I was riding a bicycle and was hit by a car. I was knocked out and woke up in hospital. I guess you could say I wasn't exactly at my best in terms of presentation. No dramas though. Not a hint of anything untoward.

Like many young transitioners I have no past to google. I'm not unusually tall, or unusually muscular. I have no Adams apple and don't have a particularly prominent brow ridge or jaw. I'm not particularly attractive, but I'm also not unattractive. I am exactly what you see. No more, no less.

But then, I'm not Dallas' readership. I have no use for breast forms.

I guess in conclusion we all have to remember that we come from different perspectives. Each of us has their own unique identity and set of circumstances, and it's really nasty to dismiss people as inauthentic because they don't fit your ideas of what an activist should be. I'm all for activism, but frankly I draw the line at martyrdom.

Oh Hai!

So here I am. I've created a vanity blog.

I guess if it's all about me, I should talk about myself then. I'm a forty-something professional, mother of two wonderful children (now adults) from my previous marriage. I'm onto my second go now, and have been happily married this time for getting on to ten years. My hubby is wonderful and patient and we have a really strong healthy relationship. We live in a wonderful house in a small town with our seriously spoilt cat.

I'm Australian, and am a fan of Australian Rules football, having been born in Melbourne, the home of footy. Fair warning. I'm a proud Collingwood supporter, so I have very biased views on the game.

I love the outdoors, I love music, and have an enormous collection of sad eighties pop and rock. I'm an unashamedly great cook, and subscribe to the Maggie Beer philosophy on food, with a deep appreciation of traditional provincial recipes and slow food. I have rather more well-used Le Creuset enamelled cast iron pots than is perhaps healthy, and as a result we're all (including the cat) a little overweight and should look after ourselves better.

Oh, and I'm a transsexual woman.

Which gets me onto my reason for this blog. The moment you read that you formed an opinion, didn't you? I dare say an opinion that's influenced by some pretty sensationalist media. By the Daily Telegraph, perhaps? A little bit of "Orange is the New Black", maybe some of that Jenner person from the Kardashians? Perhaps some "Transparent"? Oprah? All so, utterly wrong.

When you wander around the internet, in my experience you encounter three broad groupings of trans people. Our "public face", if you will:

• Professional trans people. Jennifer Boylan is the example that springs straight to mind. She's an established academic who transitioned in her forties as a professor of English Literature, did a couple of spots on Oprah and Larry King, wrote a memoir and cashed in on her notoriety.
• Celebrities. When I was young it was Boy George and Tula. Now it's more likely Laverne Cox or Andreja Pejic. Oh so representative.
• The publicly transitioning and genderqueer. This is two groups, I know, but from the outside they can be hard to separate. They fill forums and blogs with drama and agony. Relationships going south, unemployment, discrimination, bad things.

Anyway, there's a fourth group, and I'm a member of that group. We live next door to you in suburbia. You don't know we're transsexual and you never will. We live our lives and go to work and get on with it just like you do. We're just as boring as you are.

So more on me. I had a pretty rough childhood due to gender stuff. As a result I'm estranged from my parents and most of my siblings. I haven't seen or talked to my parents in more than twenty years. My mum passed away a couple of years ago (I didn't go to the funeral) and I was relieved more than sad. Relieved that the one sibling who I do maintain vague contact will give up on his periodic attempts to reconcile the family.

Anyway, like a surprisingly large number of queer kids I got in trouble as a teen, had a couple of babies, and did the shotgun wedding thing. Like most queer kids in that situation it didn't stick. Getting married only postponed the inevitable, and then only by a couple of years. I divorced and transitioned at 23, went back to uni, got my shit in a pile and made a decent life for myself.

So now the only person who I have any regular contact with in real life that knows I'm transsexual is my husband. My kids have moved on and live a long way away, and I've got a ruthless knack for cutting ties.

So yeah, that, in a nutshell, is me. Anything that could identify me in real life carefully omitted. Names changed to protect the innocent and all that.

I'm often frustrated by what I read regarding trans subjects, and occasionally wish I had a place to air my views. I hope this is it.